Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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