Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
