Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
