Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
