Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
