I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
