he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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