i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
