so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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