Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
