I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
