Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I have aggressive nipples.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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