Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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