the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
