So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
