That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
