when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
