Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
