does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Green mimosas i think yes
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
