Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
he shaved USA in his pubs
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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