God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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