I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
not ubering you a puppy
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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