my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
