New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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