I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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