You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
