I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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