Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
