The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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