Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You smell like stripper and shame
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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