Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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