No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm really busy with my period
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