im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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