When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
