she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
