if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
