Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
