apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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