Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
