Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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