epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
