if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
