when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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