I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
