how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
