Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
