Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I think my fart just growled at me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
