yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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