So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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