toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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