but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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