he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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