I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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