I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I enjoy the company of your penis
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
