I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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