im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
