Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
jump out the window naked night went bad
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
