every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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