The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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