I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
